I’m watching the Oscars. This is what I have concluded so far:
1. Brad Pitt really looks better blond. And Brangelina is TERRIBLE name. It reminds me of raisin bran. And at least raisin bran tastes good.
2. Karen, from the mean girls, and James Franco would make a really funny couple.
3. Zac Effron and Vanessa Hudgens…what are they doing there? On stage? With Beyonce?!
4. They show Dev Patel far too little. Isn’t the whole point of the Oscars imagining him covered in whipped cream? And how can one do that if he isn’t even on screen? Only whipped cream, mind you. I would sell my house to touch him.
5. Frieda Pinto looks be really nervous. I wonder why. I'd be swooning if I was on the arm of a certain brit boy. *swoon*
6. Jack Black's wife could be Narcissa Malfoy if she was blonde. Have you seen the expression on her face?
7. Giving dead people awards seems really pointless, sorry.
8. If I was a guy, blondes in top hats would really turn me on. Karen, that.
DAAzzzller. That’s how she says it. Although if you haven’t seen the ad count yourself lucky. Sometimes I really wonder what possesses people to make ads like that. Who benefits? No one. Except those girls they’re paying to wear ugly clothes and bite their lips. Why do models always bite their lips in makeup ads? Its common knowledge among us in the know - i.e. us who bother to wear lipstick because we’re never going to be kissed anyway - that biting lipsticked lips is just a recipe for disaster. Nobody likes a shmuck with lipstick on their teeth and anyway, who wants fish scales in their mouth? No one. That's who.
9. Will Smith, is way old news, in my opinion. Move over, already, and give the stage to Dev.
10. I’ve really got to watch the Mysterious Case of Benjamin Button, though. I wonder why it’s gotten so many nominations? Must be really good. You know what would be really GOOD? That’s right, you don’t want to know. But you know you do.
11. Oh, no. My mother is crying. At the sound mixing award winners speech. Oh, brother. All he did was waffle a bit about his country. Em, my country.
Aaaaaaaand the ads are back. The sprite ad isn’t so bad, as far as ads go. Neither is the hp pavilion ad. "The computer, is personal again."
12. There’s a woman in a red dress that looks like she’s swallowed castor oil. Probably because she hasn’t won anything. As if that's anyone’s fault but her own. She looks like a bag lady. A well dressed bag lady, I'll admit. I bet she’s a relative. Probably didn’t even buy her own dress.
13. Don’t you love his face? He’s so adorable. Especially when he smiles, he looks so happy. Like a bunny that’s been given a really big carrot.
14. My grandmother's fallen asleep. She’s ‘waiting for slum dog’, she says. Neither my mum nor I know what she actually means, because like i said, she has fallen asleep.
I think I’ve concluded that the Oscars really are much ado about nothing. I mean, all we really wanted was the measurement of Dev Patel’s inside leg.
