The Fat Uncle

The fat uncle first of all is from "foreign." Not America – he has not made it that far – but from Europe or Australia. Because of this the fat uncle is laboring under the delusion that he is always right. Delusion, I say, because this is nearly always untrue. The fat uncle visits India only once or twice every decade, and he calls it ‘my country’ in as patronizing a manner possible – “In foreign, they give you big-big ice cream scoops, and I am telling in my country one ice cream scoop is not even half the size!”. This is another thing – the fat uncle doesn’t have any grammatical skills to speak of and refuses point blank to accept it. His English is also heavily accented, which for some reason becomes even more extreme when he is in public, as if he is trying to prove something.

The fat uncle has a fanny pack. He has a camera also. He will bring these two items with him everywhere. The fanny pack resides under his ample stomach rolls and no one knows what it contains, but he tucks his thumbs under the straps importantly as if its contents are of national importance. The camera is a source of constant interest to him. It is an SLR and is of course equipped with multiple lenses, flash diffuser and all. He will take all this out and always be screwing and unscrewing something. Then he will take aim ostentatiously, preferably cutting across your line of sight, and when he takes a picture it will make a loud ‘click’ sound. He has set it up like this to make sure you know he is very good in photography.

And God forbid you live in America and the fat uncle decides to drop in. He will bring his fanny pack and his camera and he will be unbearable. He will force you to take him sightseeing and he will insist that you stop at all the places on the freeway marked ‘tourist view point’ and he will take out his camera and take many ‘scenic’ shots. Then he will ask many questions and compare all your answers to what it is like in foreign (Europe or Australia or whatever). If you go anywhere the fat uncle will cling to you like a wart plaster and nothing you say will dissuade him. Even if you are going out to buy vegetables and toilet cleaner he will insist on accompanying you. Then he will adjust all the settings in your car – stereo volume, back rest, everything and he will talk so loudly he will give you a headache. And he will probably stick his arms out of the window on the freeway too. Then when you reach the shopping mall he will be tired (from what?) and decide to wait by the fountain while you complete your work, and when you come back he will be taking pictures with his camera again. When you ask to see these pictures he will tell you they have not turned out well and he will pretend to delete them, but actually he is just worried you will upload them to your computer and try to pass them off as your own (he has great faith in his talent).

When you reach home he will collapse on the couch and occupy the whole thing also (after all he is the fat uncle). He will sit like Ganesha and look like he is waiting for you to feed him grapes. If any small children come near him he will poke and prod them until they are dissuaded from occupying such a location. Then he will drag himself off to shower and when he comes back he will refuse to play with the children (that he has only previously riled up) because he has had enough exercise from accompanying you to buy toilet cleaner and after all he has just showered, besides.

Finally the day will come when it is time for him to fly home. On the way to the airport he will ask many questions whose answers can be found on the roadside signs, and then he will answer them himself as if he has figured it out all on his own. After all this is his last chance to show that he is very knowledgeable even if he is not living in the same foreign as you. When you reach the airport he will read all the signs out loud as if he is the designated navigator and actually knows where he is going.

After he has gotten his boarding pass he will make you sit with him to give him company, and then he will take out his flashy touch screen cell phone and play games with the volume on high. In between he will get some calls which he will not answer because of the roaming charges, but nevertheless he will let the phone play ‘Cosmic’ (or ‘Rumba’ or whatever ringtone he has chosen instead of a normal ‘Ring 1’) for a full fifteen seconds before dismissing the call. When you tell him it is late and you want to go home he will insist that you accompany him all the way to security, just in case there is something in his bag that is not allowed (hasn’t he flown to America from his foreign? Doesn’t he know you can’t take water bottles through security?).

Once he is through security he will wave forcefully at you for at least ten minutes, and then he will gesture regretfully that he has to go (he has probably only just figured out in which direction his gate is) as if he is depriving you of some very basic happiness by taking his leave.

We all have these uncles. We can’t say anything also. What to do? Athiti devo bhavah.